Early today, on my way to school, I saw a traffic policeman too busy on his smartphone that he did not notice three PSVs pass by him! When the fuck did social media become that addictive? Or is Mark Zuckerberg peddling another version of Facebook behind our backs? You know like one that is reserved for really cranky people and is guaranteed to kick the antisocial out of them. You all have to agree, a Kenyan cop is one cranky motherf***er whenever he is in uniform or packing heat? These geniuses need to come up with an app that integrates Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. into one news feed and then throw in a porn background to complete the picture. Maybe then some cops wil get addicted to social media like the rest of us and forget to do their “job”. Why is job in quotes? Dumbass! I am referring to extortion — they don’t seem to ever do anything else. Knowing the Kenyan cops like we all do, it must have been something more addictive than porn to make that cop let go of three 50 bobs just like that. I am even discounting the real and imaginary offenses he could easily have found in all three vehicles to make it an even thousand or two.
So shocked was I by that early morning scene that I almost skipped breakfast to first write about it. Luckily, by a twisted stroke of fate, my laptop was run over by a bus and so I am stuck with the computer labs. Guess what time those open. You are wrong! The correct answer is anytime between 7.50 and 8.30 AM. Well, that gave me a half an hour for breakfast. It also gave me half an hour to imagine what the cop might have been doing on his phone and wasting all those money making opportunities. Or is scorching, January sun not burning their money as fast as it’s burning mine. Sorry, make that past tense, burned mine, it’s long gone. I imagined maybe there was an accident at home. But no, an accident would have been a phone call and he would have appeared concerned. His face was sober, only a look of concentration on his face. This makes me think he was watching porn, but I seriously doubt. He was holding the phone below his chest — too far for porn viewing. A dude watching mobile porno will have his phone much closer to his face. It will be more closer still in public where he fears someone might be watching. The pious hypocrites are wondering how a self-respecting man ends up watching porn in public. I’ll break it down to you, Moses. Admittedly, there are guys who God would personally come down to throw in that hole that swallowed your flock. They love porno, not just any porno but the perverted kind that creates sickos, then they watch it everywhere whenever they think no one is watching. But some of us are not so ‘evil’. We will just be taking a leisurely pass through various websites when we click on a random link and voila! Boobies and huge a***es everywhere! You know how men can be, so if it is free and it is here, why not sample it? Some of us reason that if God didn’t want us to watch this stuff, he would have given us more self-control. Take it from me, it can be real hard to close that tab even if you did not open it on purpose. Unless you are in a crowded public matatu minding your phone and the next thing you hear is the moans escaping from your loudspeaker. Heaven forbid you be travelling with a relative or someone who knows you because nothing but the grace of God will keep you from throwing the dumb thing out the window. But God might have a small problem with helping you out under those circumstances in which case the devil will always throw you a line; after all, the two of you can’t be such bad friends if you are watching porno and shit. That’s is when you seriousy think of suing Apple et. al. for false advertising. How can it be a smartphone if it doesn’t know not to play loud porn in a public vehicle?
So no emergency and no porn, what else could that cop have been doing with his smart phone? Perhaps he was tweeting his latest conquest, or his future plans. I imagine one of the tweets might read: “I am never broke… ‘cos I make it rain rain rain! These drivers be raining on me like rain rain rain. ” Then he might have logged into Facebook and posted: “Fom 1 school fees for mbaby girl now found, ndaddy loves you so much. I love mbeing a poriceman.” The Kamba accent is in memory of this really old cop I once saw take a bribe. It was shocking but not because I expected more integrity from a man his age. It is just that he seemed like he could die any minute. And I am not sure anyone wants to walk up to the Pearly Gates only to realize they still have a bribe in their pockets. There are no dustbins there ‘cos there ain’t no waste, so he’d just have to take it to hell with you. A Kikuyu would be like, “Now Peter, Saint Peter surely, there’s no need to burn money even if you are saying it is sinfully gotten. I have a better idea, why don’t you hold it for me and I’ll come take it after eternity with interest? No? OK, then I’ll take it after eternity without interest.” You gotta love Kikuyus. I mean, they did not inherit the earth or nothing, but I’ll be damned if they don’t own it by the time Jesus gets back. Then they’d greet Jesus like, “What’s up, JC? Finally! We been waiting for you ‘cos your people said you are the one who was gonna pay their rent for living here on earth. What?! You’re kidding! How does your dad own it, we have the title deeds. Does your dad have a title deed?”
I am neither holy nor religious, but above age 70, I think one is better advised to live righteously. That Kamba cop was way above that. It seemed like a driver could just give him a 100 shillings in loose change and wait for him to die while counting and take it all back. That is it, counting! Maybe that is what the cop was doing using a calculator. Receiving two hundreds and a fifty from the same driver is not the same thing as getting five fifties from five different vehicles, the math gets complicated then. Or maybe he was counting the bosses share after removing taxes, breakfast, lunch and hardship allowances for standing all day in the sun to do the dirty work while his boss is in the office growing a second chin and a waist the size of equator.
Anyway, for his sake, I hope he was not answering one of those questions all men hate to answer and women love to ask: Why didn’t you come home last night? Married men know that this is one of those questions you need to answer immediately if you need any peace in your life. Failure to do so will result in endless weeks, sometimes months, of continuous or intermittent nagging. It is even worse if she signs off with, “…Are you OK? I am worried.” Oh, boy! Tick tock, tick tock. Your ten seconds are over and you did not reply or call her yet. I won’t tell you what the punishment will be, I’ll let you find out for yourself the same way i found out. In all likelihood, that cop was answering a text message. And what text message might make a cop forget about his doh? The type of message that makes him realize that money won’t spread her legs, her brain and heart will. So he dutifully sacrifices time to appease those two beasts and tame them into puppies, win them back on his side. I can only imagine what a sweet day it would be if all cops pissed off their wives and/or girlfriends on the same day. Someone still doesn’t believe that women run the world? The poor deluded fool, God have mercy on his blind self.
P.S.: Congratulations to Stano, my best friend since high school and now a honest cop, who will very soon be a father. You make me not forget that you all are our brothers and sisters, and much as some cops are totally rotten, they are still a few who sacrifice a lot to keep us safe. To the honest, hardworking and disciplined cops, salute! I got crazy respect for y’all.