IF PEOPLE WERE MADE IN CHINA

You’ve got to love the evolution of words. One day a word may mean one thing, only to end up meaning something so unrelated to the original meaning as to be completely outlandish. Do you remember the days when ‘China’ was a noun, referring to a specific oriental country? Those days are long gone. Nowadays people use ‘China’ as an adjective to qualify something as a low quality imitation or fake version of another. With the great advances in genetic research, we might one day be able to produce a fully functional human being from scratch. You know, without the use of the traditional sperm and ovum. The one thing we can be sure of is that if such a human being is ever made, China won’t waste a second before they start manufacturing their own version. It is hard to accurately predict what such a person would be like but we can imagine they would be something to behold.
My third phone was a China phone which my sister gave to me. It cost much less than my second phone but had infinitely more features. I swear that if the damn phone did not have that all-purpose red button, there are times I wouldn’t have been able to navigate back to the home-screen. China people would be made with an even greater number of features so as to maintain the unlimited potential of humans. But with the way some people are good at living as if they have no potential at all, I bet some of the China people would look simple in construction but have their true abilities hidden within applications which are themselves hidden within applications which are hidden as extras in the settings menu of the messages folder. No one would ever suspect that they have it in them to be anything more than a second rate imitation of a human being.
China men would be the antithesis of the stereotyped Chinese man. He would be tall and muscular, and handsome, with a deep, resonating voice. The box would promise that his emotions ran on the latest version of the most sensitive heart and his logic was backed by an attentive memory capable of remembering the tiniest, important details. Before unpacking him from the box, he would be a real catch for any woman. But the moment he was taken home and removed from his box, she would notice that beyond a given amount of stress, his voice changed to a tiny, girlish squeal. She would then learn that there was no way to check on the humanoid device whether the heart and memory were as good as promised. Practical experience with the man would however confirm that those specifications might have been overly exaggerated. Adding to her disappointments would be the final realization that the handsome face was the furthest thing from scratch resistant. All sort of scars, markings and wrinkling would start showing on his face within a week of acquisition.
You can imagine that men would be so happy to finally walk into a shop and walk out three minutes later with their dream girl all gift wrapped and shit. Getting a woman should be that simple, right guys? If it were, most men would bite off more than they could chew. By the time it dawned on them what had happened, it would be too late. They would already be addicted to one thing or the other in a desperate attempt to forget the bundle of problems at home which was now their responsibility. Given a choice, what qualities do you think most men would go for in a manufactured, China woman? Here is a guess based on observation: big tits, big butt, less brains than he, beautiful face and smile, worships him and can cook a descent meal. Everything else a man says he wants is more a matter of verbiage than semantics – it is just a different way of saying the same thing. Anyway, the above characteristics are the right-out-of-the-box specifications. Give the China woman a day or two and the facade falls off. First, her make up melts or smears and you are left wondering why whoever painted her face did not bother to pin an expiration date note on any of her numerous earrings. Surely, even the women themselves would appreciate avoiding the let down of looking like a kid’s doodling board in public.
Secondly, many men would learn with lots of regret that the coveted big butt and boobs were actually made of plasticine. Consequently, when pressed, kneaded or subjected to any kind of pressure, they would not regain the full roundness for which they were bought in the first place. But it is easy for a man to overlook the physical shortcomings of a woman who worships him and makes him feel on top of the world. Sadly, the joy of having such a woman would be short lived. The bubble would burst when the man learned that the praises and compliments were confined to the bedroom. Outside the sanctity of their house, he would be the object of ridicule of his lady’s chama group. Nothing is off limits with those women, especially not the size and length of his erection. The final blow to his ego, however, would come from her feminine mind. True to the specifications, she might have less brains than he. Nevertheless, she can still twist the simplest facts until they are plain confusing to the man. Factor in her ability to drag the most inconsequential argument for hours and the man has no chance of ever being heard in his own house. Speaking of his house, the China woman would change everything in it and make it her own as soon as she moved in. As these things go more often than not, his dream woman would be his undoing.
The devil would insist on having the last laugh though. The man and woman wouldn’t unravel before they had a child to painfully remind them of their lapse in judgement. A China child would be no ordinary baby. They would come with customizable cry tones so that the parent could decide which MP3 tone should be the child’s cry. Like China phones, a very loud crying volume would make their voice to go permanently hoarse. Some would start leaking from weird places like the armpits and between the fingers. The flip side would be that no matter the damage to the babies from poor handling, some tape and elastic bands would always be enough to patch them up. Matter of fact, as long as the parents did not mind the worn look of repeated repair, the kids could live to be hundreds of years old. That is, until they begin to look like they belong to your mother and common sense forces you to give them to her.
In short, if people were made in China, they wouldn’t be much different than they are now. Men would still last fifteen seconds in the sack, women would still not know how to give good head, and children would remain to be an unpredictable nuisance that many men would still wish to avoid taking care of but not owning. Hopefully, there would be original counterparts to China people so that those who weren’t afraid to pay the price for quality wouldn’t be forced to marry ratchet hoes or b**ch-a** n*ggas. One couldn’t afford to pay such a price unless they were worth something themselves. So those who sought after quality would be necessitated to develop quality in themselves too. Is this a coincidence? No. Quality begets quality; but if we live and behave like China people, then we are doomed to end up with a fake a** n*gga or b**ch. That’s karma, and am out!

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